"On a scale of you to me, who would win in a fight?" (you = 1, me = 5)
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| 1 - |
You
| 10 | 32% |
| 2 | 6 | 19% | |
| 3 | 6 | 19% | |
| 4 | 3 | 10% | |
| 5 - |
Me
| 6 | 19% |
Find love at CrustaceanSingles.com
2012-09-30
2012-09-29
2012-09-28
Somnambulism
Mental Health
Gustav peeked around the door frame to see if they were still there, and found that one of them had been doing the same. Using the element of surprise brought on by the unanticipated collision of their heads, he knocked the intruder to the floor, but then became fully conscious and realized that he had struck his mother in law.
2012-09-27
2012-09-26
A new use for a common phrase
Mental Health
"'Soon' is a very relative term," the evil Dr. Vandertramp said to the hostages, as though explaining something to five year-olds. "But yes, I will probably release you soon." He did not mention that their release would probably be into the crocodile pit.
2012-09-25
2012-09-24
More and more difficulties
Mental Health
Everything is broken or breaking, and images will not work today. If you need to see a badly-drawn set of grumpy stick figures, I recommend making your own. Maybe you're funnier than me.
It came crashing through the ceiling and of course we didn't know what it was until it was too late. Who managed to extract a chunk of the sun, and how they managed to hurl it down to earth, was the least of our worries.
Everything is broken or breaking, and images will not work today. If you need to see a badly-drawn set of grumpy stick figures, I recommend making your own. Maybe you're funnier than me.
2012-09-23
2012-09-22
Sock puppet psychiatry
(This is circa 2004, found digging through old papers)
Interrogation Results!
2012-09-21
Going mental
Mental Health
We regret today's absence of a picture, and hope to be back up and running at our wretched full capacity tomorrow. Meanwhile, deal with it.
The problem with Geraldine was that she was so very volatile. She had, from a very early age, grown accustomed to everyone in her life constantly walking on eggshells, which made it even more difficult for her to handle any other kind of treatment. If Geraldine had been a normal human being, this would not have been too serious; everyone would have remarked her breakdowns in supermarket checkout lines and her fits at children's birthday parties with a mixture of pity and disgust. They would have, except that Geraldine possessed potent, poorly-controlled telekinetic powers. It was rumored that her high-school boyfriend had spontaneously combusted shortly after deciding to attend a different university than her, though his family was too terrified to take the investigation any further and is to this day refusing the requests of paranormal-themed TV shows to document his mysterious demise.
We regret today's absence of a picture, and hope to be back up and running at our wretched full capacity tomorrow. Meanwhile, deal with it.
2012-09-20
Changing perspectives
Mental Health
Pierre Valencia, cinematographer, wrung his hands expectantly as he paced the foyer of the dingy theater. Soon the projector would light up, and show his long-awaited experimental art film, Old man swears under his breath as he misses a train, #4.
2012-09-19
2012-09-18
2012-09-17
A matter of opinion
Mental Health
Marshall was in a cartoon now, and he found it hard to concentrate while everything he said or thought appeared as a speech bubble above his head. He also disagreed with the font being used, the fact that it was in all caps, and most of all with the exclamation marks that seemed to! appear! everywhere! for no good reason.
2012-09-16
Making omelets, breaking eggs
We mourn the passing of a device commonly used in the production of crustaceansingles.com, and will continue to attempt to re-animate said object into a zombie-like abomination.
Meanwhile, some Mental Health:
Meanwhile, some Mental Health:
As the ceiling rushed forth to meet him, Dr. Clive couldn't help but feel triumphant. The creator of the Localized Gravitational Reversal Unit would also be its first victim, but there would be many more.
2012-09-15
2012-09-14
Commence phase two
Mental Health
It was not until the company hired a consultant to create a FAQ section on their website that management realized that the company had never been asked a single question, let alone a frequent one. They all felt boring by association, and many midlife crises were begun that day.
2012-09-13
Too many humans
Mental Health
It was ultimately the eccentricity of Agoraphobosaurus that allowed it to survive past the mass extinction event of the other dinosaurs; whatever it was that killed the rest of them off, the agoraphobic lizard stayed well away from it, keeping to itself in dimly-lit basements.
2012-09-12
2012-09-11
2012-09-10
2012-09-09
Questioning authority
Forgive the handwriting a scan quality; it's an oldie (ca. 2007)
Mental Health
Fun fact: When you wake up with a sore throat, it's not because you breathed through your mouth while you slept, it's because a colony spiders climbed into your throat and laid eggs.
2012-09-08
2012-09-07
Then and now
Have you considered responding to this week's Interrogation Tuesday? Even if you already have, go ahead and skew the results (which is also something I love to do when large corporations solicit my opinion). I'll be posting the anonymous results tomorrow.
Mental Health
The newly created Heresy Council was given the special task of engineering heresies and attempting to spread them among the faithful. It was required, the Inquisition argued, because the people weren't coming up with any on their own, and the Inquisition had far too little to do.
2012-09-06
Almost like mutual respect
Mental Health
Ernest felt that he was in trouble, but he couldn't be sure why. Little did he know that he had been making regular phone calls to insurgent forces in his sleep, and that in the course of those calls he had become (in a double sense that the rebels found hilarious) a sleeper agent for them.
2012-09-05
History is smugly self-referrential
This re-run seemed relevant with all the nonsense going on in the USA right now.
Mental Health
It is a little-known historical fact that Jedediah Theophilius Vandertramp (an ancestor of the evil Dr. Vandertramp) was the inventor of flake-shaped breakfast cereal; it is even lesser-known that he specifically designed it to deflect milk poured over it out of the bowl and onto the floor.
2012-09-04
2012-09-03
Dealing with almost anything
Mental Health
"This is your conductor speaking...Due to budget cuts, we'll no longer be able to stop until the final destination. If you'd still like to get off before then, get ready to be tossed onto the platform, where you will hopefully land on the trampolines we've lined up there."
2012-09-02
In Soviet Russia
Mental Health
Though he knew that it was setting a bad precedent, head zookeeper Owen let the tigers out of their cage, calling out as they prowled away, "Now remember, you promised you'd be back by 11! And no mauling!"
2012-09-01
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