Three birds landed on the fountain. Two of them started to bathe, but the third, standing between them, looked carefully to either side and then pushed the other two into the water.
At parties, they use him as a bottle opener.
Find love at CrustaceanSingles.com
2013-01-31
Make yourself useful
Mental Health
2013-01-30
A rebuttal
Snow apologists:
Mental Health
The piano came crashing down from the third floor window where Dr. Vandertramp had lovingly set the trap. He was pleased to note that, upon impact, the wrecked instrument played one last chord, a C# minor. With the ambassador crushed under a piano and a Rachmaninoff prelude in Dr. Vandertramp's mind, it seemed the day couldn't get any better.
2013-01-29
2013-01-28
Isn't it about time?
Mental Health
He looked rather like a horse would look, if horses could wear overlarge bifocals and have extremely bad haircuts.
2013-01-27
Nature's alarm clock
Replace 'morning' with 'mid afternoon' and this really old drawing explains my day perfectly, including the reason I'm recycling a drawing that dates back to 2005.
2013-01-26
Punitence
(yes, it's a re-run)
On Tuesday, I posted an interrogation. Here are the many results:
(Mysterious last person who said you'd email me...I'm waiting).
2013-01-25
2013-01-24
Negative Nancy
Mental Health
The two strangers had run in the same direction when the attack began, and they were cornered. Their enemies had a startling array and variety of weaponry.
"How do you see this going down?" asked the worried young man.
"Optimistically?" replied his apocalypse-touting homeless companion. "Best case scenario, we die quick, pretty soon here."
This did little to encourage his companion, who was not aware of the bum's penchant for exaggeration.
2013-01-23
Buzzkillers, inc.
Mental Health
Fun fact! Do you know anyone whose last name is Cousin? Their parents are cousins! They will no doubt find this hilarious every time you bring it up in conversation.
2013-01-22
2013-01-21
Comparisons
Mental Health
And here, in the interest of laziness, is a page from one of my school notebooks in seventh grade, and the first known appearance of milk beetles:
Rob had lost a fair amount of his ability to feel emotion, and he was having trouble explaining it to the few humans who remained in his life. He tried comparing it to being chased by bears (and not feeling any alarm or urgency, but knowing that you should) but none of them had ever been chased by so much as a single bear.
Food, though, provided a reasonably apt comparison: Rob had spent most of his life enjoying many kinds of food, and appreciating the experience of different flavors and textures, and this had always been one of his motivations for eating food. Now, the enjoyment was gone, and only the memory remained, saying, You should really be enjoying this. What happened to you?
And in the analogy, he kept eating anyway, even though he didn't particularly care for it. For one, he had to eat something. But it wasn't just that; he continued to eat things that he supposed he would have enjoyed, had he not been somehow broken, and ate them in the hope that it would eventually return to him, that he would appreciate the food once again and all would be well. That was what he did, now: continued on as though nothing had changed, and he waited for it to change back.
And here, in the interest of laziness, is a page from one of my school notebooks in seventh grade, and the first known appearance of milk beetles:
2013-01-20
Selling points
From deep in the archives, here's one from about 2007.
Mental Health
It wouldn't be long now. The wind picked up, carrying dust and tumbleweeds. Clouds darkened, and the little band of wizards waited in the desert for the arrival of Joey's mom, who he had promised would bring them snacks.
2013-01-19
2013-01-18
Real and pressing problems
Mental Health
It was a shame to see such a magnificent bird go to waste, so Colin dragged the albatross home, tying its legs together and holding the rope over one shoulder as he plodded through the muddy streets of town.
2013-01-17
Freedom at any cost
Mental Health
When the elderly Krenk couple was finally found and released, their captor was devastated. He plead with journalists, officers of the law, and eventually the court, saying, "Don't you see? In my basement, they were free. Free from having to make their own choices, free from the outside world."The jury agreed unanimously that this should be the very sort of freedom that the captor himself deserved.
2013-01-16
Be a good sport
Mental Health
Gablax grew increasingly nervous as, hands on the hood of the police car, he waited for the officer to say something. As an extraterrestrial in human disguise, he knew that if the officer decided to perform a cavity search, they were both in for a nasty surprise.
2013-01-15
2013-01-14
Trial and error
Mental Health
It was not absolutely necessary for Thomas to dig an escape tunnel; he could leave anytime he wanted, and often did. It was just that he dreamed of being able to go grocery shopping without being micromanaged by Susan, without her telling him that no, he could not buy bacon-flavored cake frosting, much less eat it from the jar with a spoon.
2013-01-13
2013-01-12
Just bitter, is all
Interrogation Tuesday Results
Thanks to the ten people who responded. The rest of you get car batteries attached to your earlobes.
2013-01-11
Reality
Mental Health
It was only after what seemed like hours with an entire team of doctors that Harrison finally agreed to take the pill and (the doctors hoped) put an end to his hallucinations. Some of these hallucinations had been in the room with him the whole time, and he was alarmed to see that after he took the pill, they reacted as if poisoned. First they trembled, then fell to the floor, sputtering and choking, strange limbs clutching at nothing. And finally they were still.
He knew then that he had been tricked, that they had all been real and that he was now an accomplice in their murder.
2013-01-10
Ingenuity
Mental Health
"It's a fine thing to be able to put any old item to use," Dad said, scratching his brow thoughtfully with a dismembered shopping cart handle and spitting downward and to the left, "But son, the dead camel you left tied up in the yard is bound to start stinking soon, so you better use it quick."
2013-01-09
2013-01-08
2013-01-07
2013-01-06
Recursion
Unfortunately, the answer to the cartoonist's question was his question, and that didn't get him very far.
2013-01-05
2013-01-04
2013-01-03
2013-01-02
2013-01-01
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