Crustacean Singles: September 2014

2014-09-30

Overtime in Wallis, day 16

Mental Health

“There’s no such thing as luck!” he shouted to the rapt audience.

“Then what is it you just ran out of?” asked the panting security guard, as he grabbed the nude intruder’s arm and wrestled him to the ground.

2014-09-29

Overtime in Wallis, day 15: the sleepers

2014-09-28

Overtime in Wallis, day 14

Mental Health

The thousands of crushed mosquitoes littering the room looked like pterodactyl fossils in miniature, limbs and wings splayed against the grungy strata of wall, desk, and chair.

2014-09-27

Overtime in Wallis, day 13

Mental Health

Fool me once, shame on me/
Fool me twice, and I guess we’ll see/
Who has the matches and the gasoline

2014-09-26

Overtime in Wallis, day 12

Mental Health

Robert woke grudgingly. Daylight crept over him like a golden steamroller in neutral on a gentle slope.

2014-09-25

Overtime in Wallis, day 11

Mental Health

Milton Rupert’s life’s work was finally complete: he had painstakingly and lovingly converted all of Shakespeare’s plays into limerick meter.

2014-09-24

Overtime in Wallis, day 10

Mental Health

If there’s a renegade scientist out there who could bring about the extinction of mosquitoes, maybe we should get a kickstarter going.

2014-09-23

Overtime in Wallis, day 9

Mental Health

Filling out his online dating profile, Wesley Mandrake didn’t know what to put first: ‘Editor at the Journal for Contemporary Anachronisms’ or ‘Turtleneck safety tester’.

2014-09-22

Overtime in Wallis, day 8

Mental Health

INTERVIEWER: Can you tell me about the best dream you’ve ever had?

SUBJECT: Well, this one I’m in now is certainly a top contender.

2014-09-21

Overtime in Wallis, day 7

Mental Health

If I had an extra pair of arms, I’d use them to plug my ears any time you were around. Actually, any time I wasn’t using headphones.

2014-09-20

2014-09-19

Overtime in Wallis, day 5

Some GUY sits and looks sad. LOBSTERMAN approaches.

LOBSTERMAN: Hey, cheer up; maybe there are people out there who care about you. Who are thinking about you right now and wishing you well, wherever you are.

LOBSTERMAN puts a claw on the GUY's shoulder.

LOBSTERMAN: Or maybe I got them first.

[There was a bad photo of a picture of this, but it refuses to not be sideways. Apologies.]

2014-09-18

Overtime in Wallis, day 4

Mental Health

"Is it possible to be extradited for manslaughter? Even if it looks involuntary?"

A muffled, terse reply came through on the other line.

"No, of course not. I'm...asking for a friend."

2014-09-17

Overtime in Wallis, day 3

Mental Health

If you're ever face to face with a horrifying monster, look over its shoulder and shout, "Holy crap, monster, look out!" Then even if there's nothing there, you can act like it was an even more horrifying monster and it ran away because you pointed it out. And that's a good way to make friends with a horrifying monster.

2014-09-16

Overtime in Wallis, day 2

Mental Health

No man can send me two emails at once, for either I will read the one, and forget the other, or I will respond to one, and ignore the other. Ye cannot serve your agenda and fill my inbox.

2014-09-15

Overtime in Wallis, day 1

I extended my stay in Wallis by almost 3 weeks, and now I don't have enough drawings in reserve to auto-post in my absence. Since I have no scanner here, there'll be some bad photos (as below) and some text-only Mental Health. But there will be an attempt to be funny for every day. That's the Crustacean Singles guarantee, until I don't feel like it anymore.