Crustacean Singles: April 2023

2023-04-30

Feel better

A skull rests on some dirt or sand and thinks, "I'd probably feel a lot better if I had a good cry." In the background, a bird carries a snake in its claws. The snake carries a rat in its mouth. The rat carries a bag of packaged "snacky chumbles" in its teeth.

2023-04-29

Assuming I don't make it

One stick figure crouches over another, who is either being super melodramatic on the ground or maybe actually dying, and who says, "please remember me as a cool guy / nonchalantly unconcerned / about my legacy"

2023-04-28

It's time

A stick figure crouches in a blanket fort with a low wall of pillows. Another figure says, "Bert, it's time—" The one in the fort says, "When I'm in my goblin fort, you must call me by my goblin name." The other says, "OK, Glishnesk. It's time to go to the funeral."

2023-04-27

One must imagine

A stick figure pushes a gigantic boulder up a steep hill, like Sisyphus, and thinks, "This is great for exposure."

2023-04-26

Being here

A mountain with a face says, "I hate it here." A cloud with a face answers, "Then why not go somewhere else?"

Seems like a pretty simple fix.

2023-04-25

For a special occasion

Panel 1 of 2: a stick figure holds an open reused plastic tub labeled "is not butter" which contains a purple-black mass. The person happily exclaims, "Hey, it's those leftover beans I was saving for a special occasion!" Panel 2 of 2: the same person crouches on the ground next to the overturned container and its lid and a spoon, the latter two with some bean residue, clutching their stomach, and says, "I need some doctor."

2023-04-24

Lobsterman learns about people

A stick figure tells Lobsterman (who is an anthropomorphic lobster person with gigantic claws and a horrifying maw), "It's what's on the inside that counts." Lobsterman reflects, "All the people I've opened up were pretty much the same once I got past the skin."

2023-04-23

Yeehaw

A cowboy on foot looks up at a mounted cowboy riding what appears to be some sort of quadrupedal carnivorous dinosaur and asks, "New...horse?" The rider says, "Yep. Some kind of import, I guess."

2023-04-22

Used to

A cloud in a bright blue sky looks sad and thinks, "I used to look like a dragon. / Now I barely even look like a cloud."

The cloud sees its reflection in bodies of water far below and remembers the way it used to be. Were things really better then? Who can say.

2023-04-21

No fault

A figure stands behind another figure who sits in a chair reading a book titled, in Arabic, "May Your House Be Destroyed" (which isn't really a joke or relevant to the comic; it's just a fun phrase). The standing figure says, "Through no fault of my own, it is now raining." The sitting figure asks, "What did you do?"

It's a fun way to start your sentences. Give it a try!

2023-04-20

Sorry

A hostile stick figure with arms sarcastically outstretched says, "Well, sorry for always making 'performative apologies' that are 'worse than no apology at all'"

2023-04-19

The difference is

Person 1: "You know what the difference is between you and me?" Person 2: "No. I believe everyone else is also me. The doctors call it a delusion, and since they're me, maybe they would know."

2023-04-18

Meta! What is it good phor?

Two people are walking and talking. Panel 1 of 2: Person 1 says, "I'm trying to free myself from metaphors." Person 2: "But your stated goal is itself a conceptual metaphor." Panel 2 of 2: Person 1 says, "I see that now. Then my struggle must necessarily be in vain." Person 2: "Do you want me to keep pointing out the metaphors, or would that be adding insult to injury?" Person 1: "Do whatever you like. Our entire existence is merely an obscure and overwrought joke."

Language and thought are a prison!

2023-04-17

A single tear

"You mean we're just going to leave it there?" said the xenobiologist.

"Unless you have some extra fuel you've been keeping to yourself, we can't afford to take garbage back with us to Earth. Propulsion doesn't come cheap," the commander replied, at least half of her attention simultaneously devoted to something else.

"But the ecosystem—"

"What ecosystem? Rocks and dust? Listen, if it makes you feel any better, someday they'll have the technology to take care of the trash. It's the future's problem."

On a dusty, cratered moon, a large-eyed grey alien looks at a pile of human garbage and a planted flag. A single tear escapes one of the alien's eyes.

2023-04-16

Attempt to be at ease

A host gestures at a chair and says, "Please make yourself comfortable." A guest looks at the chair with a hand on their chin and says, "Impossible, but I appreciate the sentiment."

I have sometimes been taken to task for being an insufficiently relaxed guest.

2023-04-15

Not saying

No one who ever worried about me was wrong, but you don't have to worry about that. I just want to sleep on a geological timescale.

2023-04-14

Readines

Two stick figures stand at some kind of edge or ledge; the drawing is just a line, so who knows. One asks, "Are you ready?" The other replies, "I'm not even ready to find out whether I'm ready."

2023-04-13

An exercise in symbolism

A glass half full of water sits very close to the edge of a table. An arrow labels the glass as "me".

2023-04-12

Metaphorical identification

A stick figure kneels next to a drooping potted flower and addresses it: "This is going to sound conceited, but...are you a metaphor for me?"

Maybe we are mutually metaphors for each other.

2023-04-11

Be anything

A long-legged, long-necked turtle. "They told me I could be anything. I'm sure they were just trying to be nice."

2023-04-10

Defining the relationship

Two stick figure walk holding hands. A third looks at them in shock and sadness. One of the ones holding hands says, "You must have misheard me. I said I wanted to be mononymous...you know, like Prince or Shakira."

There has been an unfortunate misunderstanding.

2023-04-09

Social typology

Two stick figures are walking on a path in a park. One says, "We're kind of frenemies, right?" The other replies, "No. We're 'enemends'." [Screenreaders will probably not know what to do with that last word; it's a blend of 'enemy' and 'friend' just like 'frenemy', but composed of the opposite parts.] Also, a large bird is flying by, carrying a stop sign in its talons.

Seems like a distinction without a difference to me, but I guess I still have a lot to learn about friendship.

2023-04-08

You can barely tell

A head with no body, just a spine, smiles and says, "I still have scoliosis, but no one seems to notice anymore."

This is pretty horrible, so I figured I should probably show it to you.

2023-04-07

Partying

One balloon with a face asks another, "Why aren't you partying?" The other, looking downcast, says, "I am. This is my partying face."

I, like you, am a party balloon.

2023-04-06

Love love love

Panel 1 of 3: A little figure smiles broadly and says, "I love you!" Panel 2 of 3: Four little figures stand closely together and say in unison, "I love you!" Panel 3 of 3: Zoom out to reveal the figures from panels 1 and 2 are puppets on the thumb and fingers respectively of a figure who looks smiling at them and says, "I love you!"

Thanks for reading! I love you!

(Bonus panel on the CrustaceanSingles Patreon.)

(Also, patrons got to see this comic last night instead of this morning. Imagine how much better your life could be if you were one of them.)

2023-04-05

Leporine vengeance

A muscular rabbit with a furious facial expression says, "There will be time for gnawing on vegetables later! First, we must have revenge!"

"Suppose we did both at once?" asked a voice from among the mob. "Gnawed on vegetables as a form of revenge?"

Floof Hopkins only glared.

2023-04-04

Unfavorable cephalic configuration

A two-headed worm or maybe snake, the kind with one head on each end, is in conversation between its two heads. Head 1: "Too bad we're this kind of two-headed." Head 2: Yes, brother." Head 1: "Are you ready for the pooping, brother?" Head 2: SIGH "I'm ready, brother."

There's nothing in the rules that says these have to be good. Always nice to remind myself of that.

2023-04-03

A wish come true

Top caption: "I wanted to be free as a bird, / so I made my wish / and turned into a penguin." A penguin stands contemplatively and thinks, "This is a lateral move."

2023-04-02

Flavoring

Pictured: a package labeled "Spaghetti-flavored meatballs", depicting three meatballs on a plate, with the tagline "Eh...you gotta eat something, right?"

Try the processed food product that's banned in Italy!

2023-04-01

Day of fools

A stick figure wearing a goofy jester hat looks serious and folds their arms. "It's actually a very solemn occasion for us fools. / We remember the tribulations and those we've lost, all while people around us tell us obvious lies and try to get us to glue ourselves to things." In the background, fish are faintly visible swimming past the stick figure.