Crustacean Singles: June 2023

2023-06-30

Do not adjust your set

Panel 1 of 2: a figure's head is seen from behind as they watch a TV showing only static and emitting long strings of 'H' as a sound effect. Panel 2 of 2: closeup of the screen as some text appears over the static: "You're watching the Heavy Sighs channel".

2023-06-29

Luck-lacking

Pictured: two horseshoes with integrated blades; one has a single long blade at the front, while the other has two shorter blades emerging from the sides. Caption: Unlucky horseshoes.

2023-06-28

Known and counted

Person 1, pointing accusatorially: "Your Daves are numbered!" Person 2, clutching head in alarm: "No! My secret Daves! / ...is, uh, what I would say...if I had any Daves. Which I do not."

2023-06-27

Of dogs and houses

One dog asks another, "Do you have a doghouse?" The other replies, "No, I am a housedog."

"That's too confusing."

"Yes, let's give up on learning human language."

2023-06-26

Resentment

Person 1, pointing angrily: I resent you for being so hard to dislike. Person 2, smiling: And that's fine with me!

Another Rerun Monday. Am I too tired to draw a new thing today? Yes, but also I wanted to give recent readers a little taste of how much worse I used to be at drawing these things.

2023-06-25

Highly heroic

A person wearing a cape holds hands with a person wearing no cape and says, "I've enjoyed the time we've been spending together. If it's not too forward of me...I could see myself avenging your death one day."

Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes!

2023-06-24

Handy to blame

A poorly drawn hand with a poorly drawn little face on its palm thinks, "I should learn how to draw."

If your hand has a face, it's responsible for its own failures. I don't make the rules.

2023-06-23

Complainium

Person 1, outraged: "What do you get out of complaining about things?" Person 2, calm: "What do you get out of complaining about my complaining? Because I get that, only purer."

Maybe the status quo could use some changes? I'm just thinking out loud here.

2023-06-22

It is once again juice time

Panel 1 of 3: a bottle sits on a table. The label reads "Juice that makes you accept your fate." Panel 2 of 3: A stick figure tips the bottle back and drinks deeply from it, thinking, "There's nothing I can do about this." Panel 3 of 3: A second figure asks the first, "Oh hey, how's that juice?" The first replies, "Inevitable."

2023-06-21

A new approach

A therapist says to a patient, "Let's try a new approach... Patient in denial says what?" The patient replies, "Huh?" The therapist says, "Well, it was worth a try."

2023-06-20

The snacks of the earth

Top caption: "Roughly 20,000 years ago." A stick figure with a rough woven basket kneels next to some sparse vegetation and rocks and says, "What's up, the ground? You got any snacks?" The ground replies, "Everything is a snack to something."

2023-06-19

Happy spider day

A stick figure stands in a doorway, looking around at a number of large, friendly spiders on the walls and floor, and asks, "Are there usually do many spiders all over?" One of the spiders says, "No, it's a special occasion."

"Well, happy...spider...day."

(It's a Rerun Monday instead of a Remake Monday. I just didn't think I could do better than 2014's sloppy ballpoint and scribbly spiders.)

2023-06-18

Sorry specimens indeed

One cow, walking on hind legs, brings a flatscreen TV to another cow (also standing on hind legs) behind a counter in a grassy field. On the counter are four misshapen, rudimentary tools. The bottom caption is the second cow's dialogue: "Might be fixable, but as you can see, my tools...lack something in sophistication."

2023-06-17

Sad math

Panel 1 of 2: A despondent person wears over-hear headphones and thinks, "If I listen to the sad music, it cancels out the sadness, right?" Panel 2 of 2: Same figure looks a little more resolute, almost hopeful, and thinks, "Yeah. The math checks out."

The comments section would not be an unwelcome place for music suggestions (although full disclosure, I'm in more of a western doom mood lately, e.g. Earth's "Hex; Or Printing in the Infernal Method").

2023-06-16

Welcome to our home

A stick figure carrying two suitcases has just arrived in the home of two other stick figures, who say, "Welcome!" The guest says, "Thank you for being my human hosts!" One host replies, "Your words are technically accurate but profoundly troubling."

2023-06-15

You know how

Two figures are walking on a trail. The first says, "You know how people are always following you and watching you and reporting on your movements to their shadowy organization, presumably for nefarious purposes?" The second replies, a little annoyed, "I know nothing of the sort. Are people following you et cetera et cetera?" The first answers, "No. Just you. I thought you knew." Of course, one or more people are hiding in the background along the trail. Watching.

2023-06-14

Art through time

A figure holds up a large sheet of paper and says, "Here is an art I made, which is meaningful to me because—" but then sees the paper is blank. "Ah, I've drawn it on time paper again. Well, I hope the future is enjoying it."

2023-06-13

Escape from Logic Puzzle Island

Two figures stand before a small set of steps that leads to a door. The first says, "One of us lies half the time." The other says, "The other lies the other half of the time." The first adds, "Also, this door goes nowhere." The second adds, "Look, it's painted on."

2023-06-12

Don't even start

A person approaches a little market stall bearing the top sign "Organic Produce" and the bottom sign "Made by organisms from organic matter". The person asks the shop keeper, "You have any minerals?" The shop keeper glares and says, "Get out of my sight."

2023-06-11

Self and sabotage

A stick figure holds a guitar and says, "I believed in myself, but my self did not believe in practicing, so... Sorry about this next one."

2023-06-10

Here, look at this terrible thing I drew late last night

A bird-dog hybrid. It has the tail and hind legs of a dog, the body and wings of a bird, and its head is mostly doglike but for its long beak where the snout would be. It says, "I'm a bird dog! Get it? / My existence is a joke."

2023-06-09

Don't talk to me until

Panel 1 of 2: a steaming mug rests on a table. Printed on its exterior are the words "Don't talk to me until I've had my beans." A speech bubble from the right says, "Ha! Like coffee beans." Panel 2 of 2: Zoomed out, a character on the left has picked up the mug and holds a spoon in the other hand. With a quizzical look, they say, "Coffee?" The one who asked the question looks confused and perhaps a little disturbed.

Anyway, please respect the mug's request.

2023-06-08

What? What am I saying?

One swordfighter stands aggressively with sword brandished and says, "Unsheathe your sword (but pronounces the 'o' in sword like 'a') and have at you!" The other stands with crossed arms and says, "Only if you stop saying it like that."

2023-06-07

When life gives you roller skates and shovels...

A stick figure in the foreground wears roller skates and holds a shovel. Standing on the curb are at least two spectators, probably more out of the frame. The foreground character thinks, "It's just now occurring to me that this could be a bad idea." The spectators say, "DO IT!" and "Roller skate shovel fight". The fighter adds a final thought: "But I'm no quitter."

2023-06-06

Your thoughts

A ballon looks unimpressed and says, "I can hear your thoughts. / I think you should think different thoughts."

2023-06-05

I truly hope you find them

Panel 1 of 2: Person 1 asks Person 2, "Excuse me...do you ever feel like you miss someone you don't even know yet?" Person 2 says, "Actually, yeah. Sometimes." Panel 2 of 2: Person 1 asks, "It's not me, though, is it?" Person 2 shrugs and says, "I don't think so. Sorry."

2023-06-04

A lonely existence

Panel 1 of 2: a stick figure whose head splits into two heads about halfway up the head, such that there are four eyes but only one mouth, says, "Not really two-headed, not really one-headed. A lonely existence." Panel 2 of 2: zoom out to show another stick figure whose body splits at the mid-chest, such that they have two arms but four legs, says, "I don't know ~exactly~ how you feel..."

2023-06-03

Why I am here

A tortoise, not very competently drawn, says, "I came here to munch some leaf and make some friends / and I'm all out of leaf to munch."

2023-06-02

Hair of the dog that bit the hand that snatched two defeats from the bush

Person one, concerned at the haggard appearance of person two: "You feeling OK, dude?" Person two holds a steaming mug printed with the text "Days are bad" and says, "I was up late mixing metaphors. / It was like one big muddled simile but worse."

I couldn't draw a tortoise, so this is what I have for you today.

2023-06-01

To the best of my knowledge

A long-bearded stick figure sits on steps and says, "All I know is that I know nothing." A listening stick figure at the bottom of the steps asks, "You sure about that?" Unrelated to the main action, a bird flies past, carrying a large bone in its claws.

One of the best uses for time travel: heckling philosophers.